Peculiar Little Wal-Mart Man

I just ran into the most peculiar little man at Wal-Mart. As he scanned my items he placed each one in it's own bag, folded the ends around, then placed each one in another bag. He then tied the handles of the second bag into a triple knot thereby eliminating the handle that was placed there for my use.

I asked the peculiar little man to stop doing this and he replied "I have too". Note that he did not reply "It's policy". A quick look around at the other checkers gave me every indication that this peculiar little man was alone in his handle eliminating crusade.

In the end, as he handed me each double bagged item with no handles with which to grasp I ripped open the bags, tossed them aside, and re-bagged each item myself. He gave no indication that he was in the slightest bit alarmed or upset at what I was doing.

This peculiar little man is one of the most fascinating individuals I have ever run across. I believe further study is needed. I will provide updates as more information comes to light.

Retirement Home Here I Come

I think I'd like to live in a retirement community. I have always enjoyed the company of older folks, they have so much wisdom to offer, we just need to be smart enough to listen. I also enjoy long, often pointless talks about the weather, the heat, humidity, snow in California, it's all open for discussion.

I don't really care for people my own age, this is an ongoing thing in my life. No matter what age I am, I don't like most people that are my age. I am always so much older than others my age I have nothing in common with them.

Phrases commonly uttered be the older generation like "Kids these days" and "turn that music down!!" I seem to use on a daily basis. Often with the traditional shaking of the head and muttering under my breath. I have yet to start shaking my fist at teenagers but I feel it can't be far off.

With my back and neck the way they are I often shuffle along like the older generation so I'd fit right in there. I would not get to far ahead in the race for pills and Jello at 3 pm.

I LOVE to play shuffleboard and feel I am still pretty competitive at it. I can hold grudges for years and often find myself saying "back in my day......"

So there it is folks. I am planning on looking through some brochures and starting the selection process. It should not take to long, provided those meddling neighbor kids stay off the lawn.

People That Piss Me Off

Republicans.

People who's arm hair covers their wristwatch.

Frat Boys

People who think it's cute to let their kid push the shopping cart all over the damn store with no thought to who they are running into or how they are getting into everyone's way.

Teenagers who don't type full fucking words. It's basic english, learn it you fuckheads.

People who wander around staring at their cell phone not watching where the hell they are going.

Republicans.

Anyone from Texas.

People that email me forwarded messages that are such bullshit it's not even funny. Like the one about Captain Kangaroo being a war hero. It did not happen people, do a little research.

People that go on and on about how beautiful their kid is when they know full well it's ugly.

People who forward me text messages about how I "don't have a heart if I don't send this to 10 people".

Republicans.

Anyone who works at the local Verizon wireless store. I'm pretty sure I piss them off too, so we will call this one even.

Restaurant workers who suggest menu items to me. HEY ASSHOLE you don't know me. You don't know what I like. Go fuck yourself and bring me some tea.

People who use the word "like" as a describing word 5 times in every sentence. It's like, really, like, FUCKING ANNOYING.

Unnecessary Product

Today I was at a store just wandering around looking at all of the many wares they were offering for sale. My eye caught a particular product that I'm still having problems believing it really exists. In what world is a battery powered eraser necessary? Have we as a collective group decided "you know what, I have always hated moving an eraser by hand, Just not going to do it anymore."

The person that invented this may have went to MIT, I'm sure the parents are glad his or her education is being put to good use. I think the inventors of the world have their priorities a little messed up. I mean, we now have battery powered erasers but we are still using crumpled up handfulls of paper to clean naughty parts in the bathroom....... Surely we need a better system for that more than the world needs a battery powered eraser????? I know I'm very strange, and maybe I'm the one who is thinking backward here. I just don't get it.

If a person is to busy or lazy to use an old fashioned eraser what is the chance they will be writing by hand with an old fashioned pencil? I make my solemn promise to you now. When I am in charge the world will be rid of all battery powered erasers. I feel they are evil, and I do not like the precident they are setting.

The ACM Awards. AKA 3 hours I'll never have back.......

Let me start be saying I love country music. I have all of my life. The problem is, country music has been on life support for so many years it's all but forgotten. During the show last night I kept hearing a beeping sound, it was the monitors and machines keeping country music alive. At 9:58 PM central time the tone flat lined. That was the exact moment the "entertainer of the year" was announced. Someone finally pulled the plug, thank god!!!

It was doomed from the start. How can you have an awards show for country music when only 3 country artists were there? Jamie Johnson, Brad Paisley, and George Strait. What was the deal with Reba telling jokes? A mouth, tongue, brain, and lungs are all that is technically necessary to tell a joke. That does not mean you should tell jokes just because you have the equipment. What's wrong with a little sincerity? Lame, fake jokes have run the course. Speaking of lame, fake jokes. Lets take a look at the winners............

Vocal Event of the Year
* "Start a Band", Brad Paisley Duet With Keith Urban. The only reason this won is it was slightly less terrible than the other nominees. It was not the best of the best, it was the least terrible of the choices.

Video of the Year
* "Waitin' on a Woman", Brad Paisley. Actually, I can't bitch about this one. I like the song, and Andy Griffith is cool as hell. Well Done.

Song of the Year
* "In Color", Jamey Johnson. Two in a row that got right!!!! We are on a roll now!! Just wait, it's all downhill from here.........

Single Record of the Year
* "You're Gonna Miss This", Trace Adkins. Hey academy, fuck off. Trace Adkins sucks. He can't write, he can't sing. Jamey Johnson should have this award for "In Color".

Top New Vocal Duo or Group
* Zac Brown Band This award should not have given this year. There was no deserving nominees. When you sing a stupid song about fried chicken and win something for it the world has truly been turned upside down. Piss off dumbass.

Top New Female Vocalist
* Julianne Hough I had never heard of any of the nominees. Don't care.

Top New Male Vocalist
* Jake Owen Fuck off. Jamey Johnson wins by default. He's a country artist.

Top Vocal Duo
* Sugarland I think they got this one right as well. I like a few of their songs. And they like Steve Earle.

Top Vocal Group
* Rascal Flatts What the fuck happened here? Rascal Flats is not country. Not even a little bit. Id' rather have my balls squashed flat with a wooden hammer than to hear them "sing" one note. Again, this award should have been skipped.

Top Female Vocalist
* Carrie Underwood There was no real winner here. There were no country nominees. If anything, it should have been Miranda Lambert.

Top Male Vocalist
* Brad Paisley I suppose this is OK. Don't let it happen again though.

Album of the Year
* Fearless, Taylor Swift My 3 year old nephew is obsessed with Taylor Swift. As he grows I will turn him to real music. For now he's alright. This should have went to Jamey Johnson as well. Fearless was not a country album.

Entertainer of the Year
* Carrie Underwood I don't even know where to start here. Fans voted for this award. I guess they don't know the meaning of the word "entertainer". They voted for who they like best, that alone shows the sad state of the world. Carrie Underwood is not an entertainer. Hell, she's not even a good singer. Being blond and having a pretty face does not make a real country artist. It sure as hell makes alot of fake ones though. If Carrie Underwood wants to make the world a better place she should shut her damn tofu hole and pose for playboy. It's the only thing she's qualified for.

Something I Wonder About

Yesterday I started thinking. Those that know me know it's usually not a good thing. I started wondering what life would be like if we did not have butt cheeks. I think it would be really hard to keep your pants up. Butt cheeks play a more important role in that than you would think. I bet plumbers would love it, think of all the jokes it would save them from. What would we look at when someone was walking in front of us? Feet? I guess that goes hand in hand with the knowledge that if women wore nothing but hats the only thing men would want to see would be the top of their head. It's true, think about it. Without butt cheeks sitting would be completely different. I have not yet figured out how it would work. When I do I'll let you know. Without butt cheeks their would be no spanking. Kids would love that, but some adults would hate it. The phrase "Kiss my ass" would have never been coined. My guess is "Kiss the back of my left knee" would have been the catchphrase instead. It doesn't quite have the same ring to it, but then again, if butt cheeks never existed we would not know any better would we?

Waterfowl And The Judicial System

I live near Coralville Iowa. In Coralville there is a beautiful city park with all of the normal park-like amenities. This includes a fine pond with a fountain and plenty of ducks walking around. One thing is very different at this park however. It's ILLEGAL TO FEED THE DUCKS!!!!!!

This park is right next to the police station, if you are spotted feeding the ducks you will be issued a citation by the police. Feeding the ducks could possibly alter the course of your life. We all know that if you fail to pay a citation a warrant is issued for your arrest. That means the police will be looking for you. You will be arrested, processed, and booked, then placed in a cell, all because some ducks were hungry.

Picture this, you are in a cell with many other people all bragging about what they are "in for". The fat guy in a bunny suit says "I beat 27 people to death with a rubber carrot." The tiny geeky looking guy with a bad goatee just keeps repeating "I told those fuckers I'd show 'em." Now, all eyes are on you. You draw up to your full heigth, look that big sum bitch in a bunny suit in the eye and say........... "I fed the ducks."

Personally, I would demand a jury trial. Unless the prosecutor finds 12 people who were traumatized by waterfowl I think it's a pretty safe bet.